1x2x1, conversation, lemony



“So what do you think it is?”


“I don’t know for certain.  I’ll have to do some tests.”


“Shit. Do you think it’s serious?”


“I’m afraid I’ll have to wait for the results to confirm that.  But you did the right thing to come and have it checked out.  Any significant change in the body should always be monitored.”






“Even when it’s… down there?”


Especially when it’s… down there.”


“There’s a growth.”


“Please don’t be alarmed, Mr Maxwell.  Wait until the tests have been completed and I’m sure we’ll have a reassuring answer for you.”


“It keeps growing.”


“Keeps growing, you say?  I expect there’s a reasonable explanation.  Nothing sinister.”


“But right down there… amongst all those bits… you know.”


“Please relax, Mr Maxwell.  I am a health professional.  You can talk to me freely about any part of your body without embarrassment.”


“You wish.”


“Well of course, if you’re happy to call it those bits, you are perfectly within your rights –“


“Fine, I will.  My embarrassment and I are old buddies.  What are you doing now?”


“Just a routine test.  Please remain calm.”


“You’ve got your hand under… those bits.”


“I need to examine the area, Mr Maxwell.  To see whether the growth is a perfectly natural one.”




“To see whether this growth has certain familiar characteristics.  To see whether it is, shall we say, sustained when –“


“When what?”


“When I do this.”




“Yes, I see.  Those symptoms are, of course, well known to us health professionals.”


“So you know what I’ve got?”




“And it’s not serious?”


“Far from it.  It’s an occasion for pleasure; for praise.  You should be proud of such… reactions.”


“And the treatment?”


“Some gently physical manipulation…”


“Your hand is still under those bits, Doctor Yuy.”


“It’s for purely medical purposes, Mr Maxwell.  I have been trained to perform the most intimate of examinations in a totally objective, scientific manner.”






“I can see under your white coat, plain as day.  You’ve got a growth and a half of your own.”


“Mr Maxwell, I hardly feel this is appropriate behaviour.  I must remind you of the Hippocratic oath –“


“Oath, be damned.  And enough of the five finger exercise up between my legs.  Swing that stethoscope back over your shoulder and come and suck me off.  Right now!”




Uhh… that’s better.  What did you say, Doctor Yuy?  That it’s my turn to play the Doctor next time?  That you have some interesting symptoms you’d like to bring to the surgery?”




“That’s what I thought you said.  You can get some cream for that, you know.”




Uhh… oh yes, of course.  My mistake. You just did.”