2X1, lemon, conversation, humour, abuse of gaming

For yamilisa20 for her prompt of ‘love dice’.

And for my friend J, who gave us support both emotionally and practically during the 2006 Reading Fiasco Festival.





“Duo, you’ve been on the online casino sites again.  How many times have I told you…?”


“It’s just research, Heero.”


“Research.  Right.  Like that time you bet – and lost - my laptop on the turn of the King of Clubs.”


“I won on the next card, didn’t I?”


“So I lost state of the art computer technology, but I gained a full size trailer tent with portable gas stoves – three in number - and detachable tow bar.”


“With integral groundsheet.”


“Yeah.  How could I forget that?  Always useful when you’re programming.”


“I promised never to do it again, didn’t I?  Don’t be petty.”


“You’ll not have the chance.  All my valuables are locked away from you now.  I hope you’re not scamming your way into Quatre’s bank accounts again.”


“No, those days have passed, like I told you – OK, and like I told the FBI too, if you’re going to be pedantic.  This is only - solely - for research.”


“Into …?”


“I’m writing an article on probability.  The science behind luck.  What are the real odds of something truly astounding happening.”


“Like …?”


“Like… I dunno… like, maybe, me getting you into bed.”


“You already know the answer to that.  The odds are astronomically high.”


“Where there’s a chance, there’s a probability.”




“Wanna bet on that?”




“We’ll roll a dice.  Can’t say fairer than that.  You and I have the same odds.  I win, I get whatever the dice says.  You win, I stop trying to get in your pants.”


“You’d stop -?”


“Well, OK, so maybe only for a day or so.  But that’s one less hassle for you, right?”


“Yes, I suppose so…”


“So you’ll take the risk.  You’ll take the odds.”


“I’ll… why do I think I’ve been manipulated again?”


“No, babe, that’s gonna happen if I win the roll, I promise you.  Now just lie back on the couch and let’s find these treasures in my pocket…”


“The dice?”


“You wanna come look for something else?  Big, deep pockets, you could reach inside, right down my leg and between my thighs…”


“I’ll pass.”


“Your mouth says pass, your eyes say a -”


“That’s enough, Duo.”


“OK, so let’s whisper the magic words over the cutie cubes.  Speak to me, bones.  Papa’s gonna buy me a new pair of -”


“Please desist from your cheap gambling thriller motifs.  Just throw.  Then it’s my turn, right?”


“Ah, no.  We’ll throw together.  Here’s your set, same as mine.  Ready?”


“No, wait a minute, Duo.  These are very strange dice.  And didn’t you say something about ‘whatever the dice says’?  Where are the numbers?”


“And throw!  Keep up, or I win by default!”




“Great, let’s read them now.  What have you got, Heero?”


“I can’t say.”


“Come on, don’t be churlish in defeat.”


“Victory or defeat, I can’t possibly tell.”


“Just tell me what you have.”


“I have… KISS on one die, then NECK on the other.  What the hell is this, Duo?”


“No, don’t get up, just lie back there for a bit longer.  You need to chill a bit more. Loosen that shirt; kick off your shoes.  Let’s read mine first, OK?  I have… FONDLE on one, THIGH on the other.  I think I win, right?”


“I think you’re a lunatic.  I’ve never seen such dice in my life, and how the hell you can say whether one has won or one has lost -”


“Love Dice, Heero, that’s what they are.  And the winner is the one with the more intimate request.”


“You just made that up.”


“Maybe so.  But your pupils are just that little bit more dilated, I think.  And when I do what I’m told and fondle your thigh, you go a very attractive shade of pink…”


“Take your hand off.  I want to throw again.  This is unfair.”


“OK then, off you go.  What did you get?”


“I got… NIBBLE and TOES.  Oh my God.  I feel -”




“Nauseous.  What did you get?  It can’t possibly be more intimate than mine.”


“I got SQUEEZE and DI-“


“Stop right there.  You’ve cheated in some underhand way.”


“The odds don’t lie.  Let me sit beside you and comfort you in your humiliation.  Maybe it’s just my good luck…”


“And when did the dice say BRUSH against CROTCH?”


“Spoilsport.  Look, I’m moving back, OK?  I admit I haven’t found a set that says SEDUCE and SLOWLY yet.”


“Despite all your extensive research?”


“Hey, Heero, you seem a little sceptical about my studies.  You can throw again if you like.”


“And that involves unfastening my pants - how?”


“No, that’s just so that you can reach down more comfortably to nibble my -”


“No.  Not that.”


“Ok, so just stop at kissing my neck.  Ahh… I mean, don’t stop…”


“Duo, you seem flustered.  Do you want to throw again?”


“No, I just… Heero, I don’t remember… I thought it was my roll, the squeeze thing?”


“I decided the rules needed changing.   The intimate requests were for losing, not winning.”


“So I’m sort of losing?”


“Uh-huh.  Sort of.  It’ll be an alternative approach for your - research.”


Heero, that Kissing thing… combined with the Crotch thing… I… no, omigod, don’t stop, we can check the specific words on the dice at a later time.  A much later time.  Just keep up the Squeeze thing, and the Di- thing.”


“Let’s not get pedantic, eh?”


“Let’s not.  I must say, you’re suddenly being a very good sport.”




“Strike that.  You’re being a damned good sport.  And that thing on my Neck with your Nibbling…”


“The dice don’t lie, Duo.  Look at them there, scattered over the floor.  They say SPREAD and KNEES.  The other set says FIND and LUBE.”


“No, they don’t.”


“You want to get off this couch and check?”




“Thought not.”


“Heero… me lying like this on the couch with your tongue down my throat and your fingers playing with my balls.  I’d never have taken a bet on that happening tonight, you know?”


“I know.  Shut up and forget about calculating the odds.  If there’s a chance, there’s a probability, you said.”


“Sounds more like good luck to me.”


“Yeah.  I think we should throw all four dice, several times, and work our way through all the permutations.”


“Heero, you know what?”


“You talk too much when I’m trying to get your jeans off.  What?”


“Nothing.  Just wanted to tell you the odds are all in my favour.”