Heero stood in
the dry morning air, and stared at the car.
It was very
early, still. He wore the pants that
he’d worn when he first arrived here, and a simple vest. He carried his travelling bag beside him,
and now he yanked the car door open with a yawning creak, and tossed it inside
on to the back seat. The door slammed
back shut, and the tired old vehicle shuddered on the ground beneath it.
Heero stared
some more.
The delivery
guy had never come. The delivery guy was never gonna come, was he? Or
perhaps he’d already been, and yet his visit had been hidden. Heero felt that many things were becoming
more clear to him. And yet – many other
things were more confused.
He didn’t know
anything about cars, he knew that!
His mind
tugged at him, demanding that he remember the man he’d just left in Room
4. The man who’d taken him away from the
courtyard last night, after his sudden outburst. The man who’d hushed him, and reassured him,
and in whose eyes he thought he’d seen an answering warmth and tentative
devotion. A match to his own,
overwhelming passion. A meeting of minds
and – perhaps – the beginning of a commitment.
Then Duo Maxwell had wrapped his body around him, and kissed him;
surrounding him, yet again, with the thoughts and physically ecstatic feelings
of lovemaking; and the moment had passed.
They had shouted into each other’s bodies, never seemingly sated; they
had clung on to each other; Heero knew he’d sobbed again. Then Duo had laughed with satisfied joy, and
wiped sweat from their bodies with a clean towel, and fallen into an exhausted
sleep beside Heero. All night.
There had been
no more talk of Heero’s ideas and wants.
Heero believed
that there may never be the chance again.
He had been effectively – albeit deliciously – distracted. He thought that, in his outburst, he’d spoken
the real truth – that’s all there was, here.
That’s all there was, for him and Duo.
The luscious, sexual chemistry.
The lovemaking – the anguish.
That’s all
there’d ever be.
Even now, he
wanted him. Heero thought that he’d
probably always want him. There was
no-one in the world like Duo Maxwell.
Not for him, anyway.
The time had
come for another escape, he thought. A
bitter one; already regretted.
*
He was aware
of the other person at the motel door behind him, before the figure spoke.
“Heero?”
Heero let out
the breath that he was holding, and his body relaxed a little. At the same time, a thread of pain snagged
across his expression. But when he
turned to reply, his face was impassive again.
“Quatre…”
The blond boy
was only a metre away from him – Heero hadn’t heard his footsteps on the dusty
ground as he approached. He wore the
same denim shorts that had first greeted Heero when he and Trowa arrived at the
motel, and the same thin shirt – unbuttoned, as before. He looked cool and fresh, and yet sinfully
ready for whatever fun may be on offer.
His usual attire, of course. He
saw Heero’s eyes flicker up and down his body, and he raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah – sorry. It’s me.
Not Duo Maxwell. Big
disappointment, eh? You were expecting him.”
Heero knew
that Quatre was in his mind. He could
feel him – teasing; provoking. He was
trying to seduce him, as always. Sending
the hot, lusty thoughts that rippled through Heero’s veins, and tented his own
pants. But there were other things
there, now, that had been hidden before.
There was a maturity that Heero would never have suspected of the frivolous
boy.
Perhaps Quatre
was something more than he seemed.
Perhaps it was just that Heero could see so much more, now, himself.
“You left him
sleeping, I see,” murmured Quatre. His
voice was sultry, but there was an edge of tightness that jarred. As if his role confused him, temporarily. “He never heard you get up… never felt your
plans…”
“Plans?”
“Cut the crap,
Heero!” snapped Quatre, and Heero was startled.
The boy’s eyes flashed with something other than careless lust. “I can see you, can’t I? I know why you’re here this morning, staring
at this heap of mechanical shit. I know
what you want, and what you don’t want! Your scene last night in the courtyard - do
you think that only Duo heard you? That
only Duo would care to listen?”
Heero didn’t
deny it. He asked, instead, “How do you see
me, Quatre? Duo has never explained it
satisfactorily.”
Quatre
shrugged, but it was a poor pretence at insouciance. “It’s something about this place, Heero. Though I guess we all have a talent for it,
initially – a sensitivity towards others.
Praps that’s why we’ve been the ones to stay, rather than the many
others… When we’re here, we can listen
to others; feel their feelings; hear their thoughts. We can come and go with a measure of
illusion. And that means – of course –
we can have total freedom.”
“Freedom?”
Quatre didn’t
reply, directly. His eyes clouded over,
as if he no longer saw Heero clearly.
“It’s because we harbour pain, Heero – the freedom is a warped kind of
compensation for the lives we have all run from. Lives of frustration; misery; abuse, in many
cases.”
“I – see now…”
said Heero, haltingly.
Quatre smiled,
but with less than his usual mischief.
He seemed strangely different this morning; he seemed older,
somehow. “You have the same affinity,
Heero Yuy. But to a far greater extent
than any of us. You are a rare
treasure. Trowa has the feeling, true –
but you are something else. You have the
power to influence us far more than you think.”
“Me? I don’t think –“
Quatre’s voice
was lower than Heero had ever heard it, even in passion. “You have influence over Duo Maxwell. You are leading him away.”
Heero
stared. He felt waves of pain from the
boy that he’d never thought to experience – waves of an aggression that almost
scared him.
“He was meant
to be my true one, Heero! But you’ve weakened him. You’ve distracted him. And now you’re going to leave!”
*
The air was
sharp and bright and very still.
Pregnant with words that were going to be spoken, even if they mapped
out a path that would never allow a turning back.
“Leave?” said
Heero, softly. “But I never said I would
stay, Quatre.”
The blond
grimaced. He slid a hand against his
chest – touching himself; pinching at a small, brown nipple, almost
aimlessly. Heero wasn’t fooled – he knew
the technique. He felt the soft
stirrings in his groin, but he ignored them.
“Maxwell
thinks you are staying. He’ll say it,
himself, Heero – you can never leave!”
“I won’t
accept that,” sighed Heero. He felt the
tendrils of Quatre’s touch creep away from his limbs. The faint aftertaste of disappointment. The sun was hot on his head and shoulders,
but he didn’t move away from his position beside the car. It seemed important to stand his ground. He felt a trickle of moisture down between
his shoulder blades – the atmosphere was very reminiscent of the day he
arrived. But now he was so very
different – now he had burdens in his heart that were almost too heavy to
carry.
“The car,
Quatre –“
“Christ, you know about the car, don’t you?” groaned
the boy. His bare toes almost stamped on
the ground – his body tensed with anger.
“So don’t play games with me!
It’s been OK all along – well, driveable, at least. It ain’t no Formula One, eh? But it never needed any serious fixing –
never needed Wufei’s skills. And you
know that – I can feel that you do. It
was all just –“
“Illusion?”
whispered Heero, remembering Quatre’s earlier words.
Quatre nodded,
reluctantly.
“Yours?”
Then Quatre
laughed. “No! So you don’t see everything, do you? It
wasn’t my doing – or Duo’s. Who do you
think wanted it to be so – wanted it so much that the illusion was cast? Who wanted Wufei’s skills for himself? Albeit in a very different kind of mechanics…”
“Trowa?” asked
Heero, though even as he spoke, he realised that it was true. Perhaps his lover had wished it on them
subconsciously – but he had been the one to discover the state of the car; to
discover that they were stranded here for the time being; who was offered the
chance to work around the place, and become close to the inhabitants here. And accepted that offer.
Trowa had
brought them here, and Trowa had kept them here. Until he found his own place. Ironically, that had also been here.
“Illusion,”
sighed Quatre. He walked up to Heero,
and his hand reached out to stroke the dark-haired man’s side. Heero felt the soft fingers on his muscles; he
felt the desire flow into him like slow, sticky treacle. “Like a lot of things here. I wanted to feel you inside me, Heero
Yuy. I still do. You just need to relax, y’know? Enjoy some more of us. Have Duo, by all means, but sample the rest
of us as well. You can have days and
nights of it – your skin, sweaty and sticking to mine; your fingers tangled in
my hair, pulling my head up and down on your cock; my legs wrapped around you,
my ass offered up to you. Your cock,
thrusting hard into me, deep and furious, claiming it all, tight, and hot, and
racing towards an ecstasy that will never be withheld from you –“
Heero was
giddy. Heero’s body wanted it all – he’d
be mad not to! And yet –
“I want to go,
Quatre. I want a life outside of
here. And I want Duo to come with me.”
Quatre’s
breath rasped suddenly – a harsh, painful catch that sounded like the slice of
a blade on the white heat of the sun.
Heero felt his answering silence like a blow.
“You’ll – look
after Trowa -?”
Quatre snapped
back, impatiently. “Trowa will be fine
with us! He was always going to be. Wufei cares for him. We all care for each other, that’s always
been the way –“
“Thanks,” said
Heero, simply.
Quatre threw
his hands up in some frustration. “Go,
Heero! Go – go quickly – but just you!”
“No,” Heero
struggled with the words, because his throat felt suddenly tight. “I – must ask him. Duo.
Give him the chance…”
“But that’s
only what you want, Heero, isn’t it?
You want to go on to something you know so little about – a world of
too-expensive apartments, and boring jobs, and crap cars, and the endlessly,
mindlessly ringing ‘phones. Of noise,
and pain, and responsibility, and other people’s misery –“
Heero stopped
him with a hand on his arm. “A world of
other people’s lives, Quatre! Other
ideas – other opinions. A world of
pictures, and books, and shows, and conversations, and arguments, and things to
create, and problems to solve, and conflicts to challenge –“
“Christ…” moaned Quatre, but his voice
was a little less sure. He shook off
Heero’s hand. “So if that’s what you want, just get the fuck off out there,
OK?”
“Not yet.”
“Don’t tell me
it’s for him!” cried Quatre, his voice suddenly raised in passion. “That you hesitate only because of him!”
Heero stood
still – he could sense the shadow in the doorway behind them both, more easily
than he could see it. The morning sun
threw the whole porch into shade.
“I can’t keep
him,” sighed Quatre. It was almost a
sob. “Not if you want him. Not if he wants you in return. And no-one can be forced to stay, against
their will.” He stared up at Heero, his
eyes full of confrontation. “But it must
be his choice, Heero! And you can’t
offer him what we have here! The security
that he’s always had here!”
“I’d offer him
something different,” said Heero, quietly.
He didn’t need strong words – his mind spoke for him. His emotions spoke for him. He just wasn’t sure who was listening.
“He thinks
you’re his true one,” said Quatre, sadly.
“That’s the strongest time – when the two true ones meet each
other. If that’s the case – this is his
most vulnerable time.”
“I don’t want
to hurt him, Quatre…”
“But you
have! He is less already!” flared
back the boy. His pale blue eyes flashed
sharply – his hair shone white-blond in the early sunlight. “Haven’t you seen it? He’s not so close to us – he doesn’t feel us
so deeply anymore. You’ve weakened him,
Heero Yuy. He’d be a fool to go with
you, anywhere! Just go, now –“
Heero persisted
– he tried to reach the boy’s mind, but he didn’t have the control of this affinity he was supposed to have. And he suspected that Quatre was less of a
naďf than anyone had ever been led to believe.
“Can he leave, Quatre?”
The boy pouted
at him, and wouldn’t answer. “He needs
me, Heero, don’t you see? He thinks I’m
just a child who depends on him – but it’s much the opposite. He needs me – I feed him the adulation he
craves. I love him…
“Do you, too?”
he almost wailed. “Do you love him so
much that you’d serve him every day – with everything he wants?”
And then Duo
himself stepped out from the doorway, and walked towards them across the front
yard.
*
He and Heero
stared at each other for several seconds.
Heero thought of his last touch – the cries of pleasure and sensuality
in the small hours of the morning. He
saw Duo flush.
“I - have to
go, Duo.”
“So it
seems.” Duo’s voice was very calm. Frighteningly so.
“Come with me,
Duo!” Heero urged. He felt the man’s
stillness like a blanket of chilling, inviolable fog. He believed that Duo was shielding himself
from him.
“I –
understand what this place means to you.
And – like – perhaps you’re not gonna get so much peace with me!” he
joked. His voice trembled a little, and
he cursed it. “But there are other
things out there, y’know? Other ways to
go. Other ambitions – other dreams. I have lots of ‘em, Duo. I have more than I can use here; more than I
can contain here. You said it… a -
decision has gotta be made.”
“You can’t leave,”
said Duo, slowly, as if the words were being dragged out of him.
“You said you
were between places,” argued Heero. He
wanted to touch Duo – he wanted to touch his body, hidden under the thin vest
and pants that he wore. Last time Heero
had seen him, Duo had been stretched out on their bed; a tumbled, tousled,
tasty cocktail of naked limbs, and skin flushed with sleep and the aftermath of
sex. But now – now, he looked
uncomfortable in the clothes. Heero
wanted, above everything else, to make him comfortable. “Come over to mine! Come and try this way with me!”
He saw the
shiver of Duo’s eyelids – the hesitation in his body. There had been words last night, as well as
touch – there had been times that Heero thought he had reached him. Tempted him…persuaded him. He wished he could feel more sure of Duo; he
wished he knew him better. He wished
they had more time…
“Duo –
I don’t want to stay any longer. I –
can’t explain it well; but I feel that if I don’t go now…” He didn’t dare
finish the sentence. “Look – come with
me, and we can find out some more about you, perhaps – help you remember, if
that’s what you want. Help you find a
security in yourself, wherever you might be.
You can be yourself, with me – wherever we go! Wherever we stay…it’s what I want.”
“You can’t
leave…”
Heero felt a
desperate, miserable anger growing in him.
His voice grew in volume. “You
said you were here of your own choice – well, so am I! And I choose to leave. If you can’t see your way out to something
beyond your own personal sexual empire, well that’s your loss, OK? I want to travel, and find out stuff, and do
all the things that’ve been denied me all these years – because I want to
control my own life! Christ, Duo – I
want you so bad that my whole body aches when you’re around! I want to find out everything about you – I
want to take the adventures with you. I
wanna do it all with you…”
He touched
him, then. He couldn’t resist any
more. He stepped forward, and grasped at
the arm that hung by Duo’s side. An
electric shock coursed through him – a pain and joy of astonishing intensity
flared through his mind like fireworks.
He gasped aloud.
“I’ve never
met a man like you, Duo!” he groaned.
“I’ve never wanted someone as much as I want you. Never wanted to share it all in this way –
never thought I’d find someone I wanted to take inside me. And not
just in bed…” His smile didn’t reach
his eyes – it was sadly rueful. He’d
seen the sudden flame in Duo’s eyes, and knew that his words were being listened
to. But there’d been no response that
might have comforted him.
Duo’s voice
was low, and carried a shiver that was so much more than seduction. “Stay with me, Heero.”
“I can’t.”
“Sleep with
me. Be with me. You can never leave, Heero…”
“No…” Heero
was shaking his head, his expression twisting towards pure agony. “You just don’t understand, do you? I
will be able to leave but you – you, Duo Maxwell – it looks like you never
can! And that bothers me – so very much
more.” His hand fell back from Duo’s
arm.
“Heero
-?” Duo’s voice was almost puzzled. “Stay with me, Heero.”
But Heero was
backing away, a look of increasing desolation and shock on his face. He grabbed out at the car door handle like a
drowning man reaching for driftwood. He
looked like he was just realising he’d lost a thousand lotteries, all rolled
into one.
“I – I can’t,
Duo. Holy
God…”
It was like a
sob from him. He wrenched open the door,
and slung himself in. Duo didn’t move
any further towards him.
“Nothing will
ever be this good again, Heero!” he suddenly cried. “In all of your life! Not without me – not apart… You know that!”
Like fuck I
do! groaned Heero, to himself. “Like
fuck I do!” he shouted out of the window that was stuck permanently
half-open. He turned the key – the
engine shuddered and spat. He turned it
again, furious with the delay, and the ignition caught. He ground it into gear – he spun the wheel
viciously, intending to drive it right round and out of the yard at speed.
The cloud of
dust that followed his pathetic gesture wasn’t large enough to obscure the two
men, watching him go. He saw them
through the windscreen – he saw them in the rear mirror, growing steadily
smaller. He saw Duo wherever he looked.
He thought he
probably always would.
*
Quatre moved
to stand beside Duo. They stared
together at the retreating wheels of the car.
They spoke in a strange half-conversation – they understood too well
each other’s thoughts.
“Quatre -?”
Quatre shook
his head, impatiently. “Yes. I know.
I feel it, too. I feel you.”
“You, though…”
“For God’s
sake! I’ll be fine,” sighed the
blond. “Of course.”
“And the
others -?”
“They’ll still
have me. We are enough, together. And there’ll be others to join us, now and
then. Like Trowa Barton has.”
“I’m sorry…”
“There’s
nothing to be sorry about, dammit!”
Quatre calmed his voice, and smiled his rueful smile. He ran one hand through his short blond
locks, whilst the other strayed absent-mindedly to his crotch. Trowa was stirring for the morning – he could
feel the man’s sleepy desire as he woke.
He could feel it very deeply – deep between his thighs. And so would Wufei…
The ache
needed easing. He stretched a little,
unconsciously preening himself.
“It’s fate,
Maxwell. A true one will find
another. Yeah? Far be it from me to stand in its way.”
Duo’s hand
moved slightly, and Quatre shivered.
He’d miss it, sorely. The
attention from that man…
“Heero’s
memories…”
Quatre
shrugged. “He’ll remember what you want
him to. What you both want him to. His awareness will diminish, the further he
is from here. Though you – I don’t know
about you, Duo. You may remember what you’ve
forgotten – you may not. You have always
been different…I cannot anticipate you so well as I do the others. But it will be your choice. And you can both find your own alibis, OK?”
“The car -?”
“Damn car!”
grinned Quatre, shrugging with mock despair.
“Heap of junk isn’t likely to make it to the next track without needing
to be kick-started! He’ll be stuck there
for an hour or more, I reckon. Anyone
walking out from here could be there in twenty minutes. No… it’s gonna be a long – and slow –
journey, before precious Mr Heero Yuy gets back out on the highway…”
*********************************************
Epilogue…
The heat was
climbing higher than ever, and inside the car it was almost intolerable. The air conditioning wheezed and coughed, but
provided no air at all; a haze of hot air blew back from the engine
periodically, stifling the driver and passenger. It shuddered over the track – it spat venom
out of the exhaust. It threatened every
fifteen minutes to stop and leave them wherever it chose; they could believe it
was that malevolent.
“There’s
nowhere for miles,” hissed the young, dark-haired driver. He slung a crumpled, half-torn map towards
the passenger beside him. “We’re gonna
have to stop soon – I’m exhausted. This
track is like driving through lumpy treacle.
My head feels like a lead weight – I can’t focus properly in this glare
–”
“Keep going a
little longer,” came the soft reply. “We
can make the city by tomorrow if we keep going.
There’ll be motels nearer the outskirts of town.”
The driver was
still fractious. “Where did you say we
had to take that turning? Have we missed
it already?”
“No,” came a
laugh beside him. “No – it’s up
ahead. Half a mile, then look for a
track to the right. You know your left
from your right, trailer boy?”
The driver
looked swiftly across. And grinned,
almost despite himself. As always, the
sight of the man beside him brought a heady mixture of both calm and excitement
to him. He thanked his lucky stars on an
hourly basis that he was travelling with Duo – that his escape was with the
very man that he wanted to spend every minute with. That he adored beyond reason. That he couldn’t wait to get into a room in
the city, and tumble into bed with!
They’d lie in their underwear, sharing a beer, and watching bright,
flickering neon lights through the window; listening to the noise and calls on
the street, and marking possible jobs in the local paper. Until one or other of them – or both! – would
get tired of the delay, and reach a hungry hand into that very underwear, and
they’d cling together on that bed, grabbing and gasping, and fucking without
fear of –
What?
Sometimes he
forgot exactly what they were escaping from.
It was an odd feeling. But then
he’d touch Duo, and maybe kiss him, and maybe touch the teasing bulge in his
pants – and then the feelings would ease.
Sometimes he
had flashes in his mind of another man – another chestnut head, that brought
some strangely familiar memories to him.
But they slipped away like ice through his fingers – and the slight
discomfort that the memories brought were always assuaged when he looked at his
companion.
Whatever there
had been in the past, it had never been this right.
“You’re saying
we ain’t lost?” he grinned.
“That’s it!”
grinned Duo Maxwell, in reply. “We ain’t
lost! Just take a right, Heero – and
we’re just about there!”
End