Disclaimer: I don’t own ‘em, wish I did, just enjoy
writing about ‘em for free etc
Pairings: 1+2
Category: Heero POV, AU, romance
Warnings: Yaoi, (light) lime
Spoilers: None
Notes: When
habit isn’t the only thing that underlies a friendship.
Feedback: If
you liked it, PLEASE let me know!
Written
for the Vault’s Spring Songfic Challenge, and
inspired loosely by Gabrielle’s ‘Should I Stay’.
*
The
bell rang inside his apartment door and I could see my hand shaking. I snatched it back to my side, quickly.
The
door opened - he stood there, laughing.
He was always laughing. It cheered
me so much; I’d never considered that it might be at me rather than with
me. He wasn’t like that, not with anyone.
I
hoped that if anyone knew what he was like, it would be me.
“Hey,”
he said, slowly, still smiling. “You
look kind of odd. Didn’t they have
pepperoni and chilli peppers tonight?”
I
forced out a smile. “Wouldn’t be Saturday
night without it,” I replied, brandishing the pizza box I clutched under my
arm. “Even if I had to
go fix it myself.”
“And
with your cooking…” he grimaced.
“Yes.” I was still smiling, though my cheeks were
starting to ache from the effort. “So I
guess it’s lucky they still run that choice at the takeout. We can live another night without the food poisoning.”
He
laughed, but it wasn’t as strongly as before.
His eyes followed me as I walked through to the kitchen, his mouth
pursed as if he’d wanted to say something else but had decided not to. This was our Saturday night routine. We usually had a beer in the kitchen and ate
some of the pizza while we decided which place to go for the evening. We’d done this most Saturdays for a long,
long time. Creatures of habit, I suppose
you’d call us.
He
reached into the fridge and snagged us the beers, setting them down on the
breakfast counter with almost exaggerated care.
Then he sat down on a stool opposite me. “So what is it? What’s up?”
“Nothing,”
I shrugged.
“Stupid,”
he said, kindly enough. “I’ve known you for
years, Heero. You don’t do moody. You don’t do grudges. You have a clear, honest mind and you speak
it when you need to.”
“I
don’t need to speak anything,” I
said, a little dully. I mentally kicked
myself; this wasn’t at all how I meant the evening to go. “We’ll be late for a movie if we don’t get
going. Or we could watch the game, it’s
on widescreen down at the bar…”
“I
don’t give a shit about the game - or a movie,” he said, sharply. He was the only guy who could grab my
attention like that. “If something
upsets or annoys you, Heero, you usually tell me about it. So you can do that tonight.” His voice gentled a little, and if I’d had
the courage to look him fully in the eye, I probably would have seen kindness
there. I was straightforward, that was
true - but Duo was compassionate. All
his friends said so. I was so grateful
to be one of those that I embarrassed even myself sometimes. “Heero, I’ve seen this uncertainty in you a
couple of times recently. You bothered
about work? I thought you were doing OK
with that new contract. It’s such a good
opportunity, to work overseas - you’ve earned the promotion -“
“A
year,” I said, quickly. I pushed at the
beer bottle, watching the condensation wrinkle its way down the green glass.
“Hm?” He frowned slightly, but I was sure he knew what I
meant. He usually did.
“I’ll
be away a year.”
He
breathed a little shallowly, but his voice sounded steady. I didn’t want to disturb him, after all; he
had his own life to occupy him.
“Sure. Are you worried about
that? I’ll look after your apartment, I
said that already. The tenants - the
financial side - hell, I’ll even water the plants now and then if you like!”
I
looked up again, this time catching his full gaze. The amusement was in the creases of his mouth,
though his eyes were strangely blank. They’d
never held back from me before - or so I’d always thought. “I can’t be calm about this, Duo. I can’t see things quite as clearly as you
do. I’m not like you.”
He
frowned again. “I don’t want you to
be. Shit,
that’s the last thing…”
I
interrupted him. The bottle rattled on
the vinyl counter, startled by my sudden movement, as indeed I was myself. “Sometimes I wonder why we still keep in touch,
and so regularly. I’m not at all like you. Sometimes I think you need to move on to a
different kind of routine; a livelier kind of society. You have the confidence for it - you have the
charm. This overseas posting of mine -
it’s a natural break, I think.”
He
was silent - it was a bad move, because it encouraged me to go on. “I want only the best for you, Duo. I’ve never wanted your company from habit
alone - never wanted it just because of our shared history. No, what I want is for us to be honest with each other.” I swallowed because something seemed to be awkwardly
tight in my throat, when I’d not even started the pizza yet. “You’ve always been fair, Duo. To everyone. I think it’s only <i>fair</i> now
that you let me know if I’ve been selfish; if I’ve held you back from other
friends - other ambitions. Then I think
I’ll feel better about going.”
“Better?”
he said, quietly. “How
so?”
Did
he make it deliberately hard for me?
“Things
have changed,” I said, slowly. And this
time I deliberately kept my gaze away. I
could feel a warmth on my cheeks and I felt a
fool. Duo didn’t suffer fools gladly, I
knew that. “I haven’t accepted the post
yet, because I don’t know how I feel about it.
I don’t think I can bear to be away that long -“
“-
just a year -“ he murmured.
“-
can’t bear to be away that long, from you,”
I continued, my determination strangled by its own suicidal instincts. All I heard in response was a gasp of
breath. Neither of us touched our
beer. The pizza remained on the counter
beside us, its box not even opened, the pepperoni growing cold.
“I
know what you’ll say,” I continued. My
voice sounded like it spoke from a far distant room. “You said it when the offer first came
up. That it’s a chance for me to change my routine, too. To find new horizons - new
friends. Perhaps…
new relationships.” It was the
first time I’d ever talked about such personal things, except in jest. He’d think I’d had some kind of seizure.
Perhaps
I had.
“I
don’t want anyone else, Duo.” I
paused. I wanted to know what he thought
about that. Then at the same time I didn’t - or I was afraid to know. I stared at the folded paper napkins on the
counter and the small puddle of drops at the base of the bottle. Anywhere but at him. “Sometimes I thought you might think the same
- but I’ve never been sure.” And I’d
never been brave enough to challenge him on it; just drawn back to the familiar
routine, and the safety of a beer and pizza on Saturday
night. When what I really wanted to do
with my leisure time was far more exciting; far more terrifying. But it would be with him.
“I
don’t want new friends, new relationships,” I whispered. “I want the one I have with you. Just the same - and more
so. And I want it all the time.”
Duo’s
hand was moving over the counter. Hesitantly. I’d
rarely seen him hesitant. It was odd.
But
then I could see things hurtling towards disaster, anyway - the whole damned
evening was going to be odd.
“I
can’t imagine being without you, Duo.”
In a small corner of my mind, I was surprised that my voice sounded so
soft. “So you see - things have changed. Rather awkwardly, I expect you’ll say…”
“No.” His voice startled me. There was something unusual in it - there was
a tremor like fear; like distress. Like
his throat was constricted as badly as my own.
“Not awkward at all. I’ve got no
problem with that. Not
at all.”
I
think I laughed then - it was like a
release of the tension. I thought we
were still jesting. Or at least he was.
“Heero
-“ He sounded a little more urgent. “You think I was happy about you going
away? But I didn’t think you deserved to
suffer my moans. You said it yourself - I want only the best
for you.”
“You’ve
never had a problem saying what you think, either,” I said. It started as a joke, but it fell a bit
flat. His hand reached out and closed
over mine.
“But
I do with you.”
I
frowned; I was a bit confused. “Some
kind of friend I am, then…”
“Because
it matters,” he interrupted. That urgency was still in his tone. I looked into the eyes again, and this time
the emotion was reflected all the way down.
“It matters a lot to me. You matter.”
“I
thought I might get in the way,” I said, not really thinking.
“Of
what?” he countered. “What the hell do I
have in my life that I’d want without you?”
I
just stared. At his
earnest face and the shy, nervous smile.
At his searching eyes. “You’ve changed too, then?” I asked. The cool kitchen felt as if it were warming
up around us; I wondered why I felt the need to fill it with nonsense, too.
He
shrugged. His laugh was even gentler
than before - it was pure pleasure. “I
feel the same way I always did. Just
didn’t think it went so deep. Didn’t realise - until you told me about the job.”
“Better
ring them about it,” I said, groping for my cell. I felt light-headed; I felt deliciously
goose-bumped. I couldn’t stop grinning
into Duo’s face. “I can leave a message -
they need to know I’m not going, sooner rather than later. I’ll make a quick call now -“
“No
you won’t,” he said. I didn’t mind the
sharpness this time. “We have other ways
to spend this evening. Other things to get straight between us.”
“And
the movie times are almost done -“
“Forget
‘em.”
“Pizza’s
all soggy now -“
He
lifted my hand and kissed at the fingertips, like he wanted to memorise the prints
on his lips.
I
fell silent at last.
I
wanted to become a creature of this habit.
So much, that it hurt.
I
reached for the cure to my hurt.
He
was still laughing, and his eyes were bright with delight..
End
***
Should I Stay (Gabrielle)
Here
I am, waiting for a sign, I never seem to know
If
you want me in your life, where do I stand
I
just don’t know
I
never feel I know you
‘cause you blow hot and you blow cold, it seems I’ve grown
attached
though we’re not the perfect match
I
just can’t explain
Should
I stay, should I go
Could
I ever really stand to let you go
Can
you now find the right words to say
That
maybe I’m getting in your way
I
feel your warmth, got me wanting more, you’ve left the door half open
I’m
in two minds to explore, but then again
Am
I being honest, being truthful to myself, can I see my life without you
Could
I be with someone else
It
seems I’ve grown attached
Though
we’re not the perfect match
I
just can’t explain
Should
I stay, should I go, could I ever really stand to let you go
Can
you not find the right words to say
That
maybe I’m getting in your way
Should
I stay, should I go
I
really think it’s time that you should let me know, can you not find the right
words to say
That
maybe I’m getting in your way
It
seems I’ve grown attached
Though we’re not the perfect match.