CLOSE PROXIMITY

Chapter 10

Day Three 00:17

The flame of desire consumed me – I swear I could feel its heat like a real fire. I’d been fairly lukewarm about this part of my life since my flight from the Department – not that there hadn’t been the occasional opportunities at the park for sexual adventure. There’d been guys passing through without demands or emotional baggage to overload me, and sometimes a healthy interest in me in return. But I’d never taken anything further, never wanted anyone that much. Never got over the memories, perhaps – had been fighting shy of the hassle, or something like that. Whatever. Now I heard the thread of a moan, and at first I couldn’t have told whether it was from me or Heero.

It was him; it was only a gasp. “Duo…”

No. Don’t say anything. Some shock that I should be the one to think that, huh? My hand slipped behind his neck and my tongue plunged back into his mouth, effectively silencing him. There was urgency and desperation now in our caress; I could taste the slightly sharp tang of his saliva, could feel his strong fingers gripping my upper arm. When he leant even further into me, I fell back on the bed quite willingly, pulling his body down on to mine.

He felt so good! He’d lost weight I think, same as I had; at least, I felt the definition of his muscles that much more sharply under the thin fabric of his shirt. He wriggled to avoid my bandaged arm, but I just grabbed him back into me. His mouth snatched at my lower lip, his teeth grazing at the skin and his tongue emerging to run down my jaw and neck. I bared my throat, dragging my head back on the thin pillow. My erect nipples spiked through my own shirt, brushing painfully against his chest.

Hold me… Fuck me….

It was the return of that hungry, unadulterated lust - I knew that. There’d never been any doubt that Heero was the only one who did that to me, the one who made my head swim and my body leap with both greed and need. But it felt different this time, as if there was some other demand inside me that I’d never heeded properly before. When his hands ran down under my body, tracing the tight lines along my straining thighs, kneading the flesh of my ass as if to memorise the knots and valleys of the muscles there, my back arched up to meld myself against him. My sweats were tight across my groin and I had an erection the size of a small sapling; every nerve I possessed screamed out to be touched by Heero; every whorl of my fingertips remembered the sensual feel of his dusky, hot skin.

But then my hands braced themselves against his shoulders and started to push him away.

He paused at once. His hands stilled on me; his tongue lifted its damp trail from my throat; he pulled his body back upright. A small groan was wrenched from him; I was just panting loudly, unable to restrain it.

“No…” I gasped.

“No?” His murmur was almost a question, but his eyes met mine in the darkness and I think my expression spoke eloquently enough for me; I think it may have been a fairly shameful plea for his understanding. This couldn’t be: this was what always got me into trouble, what had always obscured everything, distorted everything, enchanted everything. If I opened this rich, ecstatic treasure chest again, I’d never be able to get him out of my system.

Never be able to hate him again.

He reared above me for what seemed like long moments, his chest heaving with deep breaths and the wetness still glinting on his plumped lips. There were emotions flickering in his eyes that I couldn’t make out – thoughts and questions alike. I thought he might ignore my protest – that he might just lean back down and strip away my pathetic opposition with his mouth and hands. Let’s face it: I’d not have put up much of a fight. My resistance was all intellectual; my true reactions sprang from the pure, delicious instinct of desire.

But he didn’t ignore me. The mattress complained again as he clumsily climbed off my legs and stood up beside the bed.

“Do you want me to apologise?” he said hoarsely.

I shook my head, dumbly. Of course the fuck not… I wanted to protest that I’d been a willing partner in it – I really did! – but my mouth seemed too dry to work properly.

“Good,” he said. “Though I realise that was an appalling loss of control – it won’t happen again, I promise you.” He pulled his crumpled shirt down over a tantalising glimpse of his tight belly, and he ran a hand back through his messed hair. “I never felt any differently about you, Duo, even when our behaviour was so disgraceful – so destructive. I don’t expect you to believe that, but I want to say it. I think I should have said a lot of things, actually, and a hell of a lot earlier than now – but that’s another regret I’ll live with.”

He turned and walked back to the door and he didn’t turn around again. He took his magnificent body and his rare, astonishing new openness, and – fuck - I let him go. His silhouette filled the door, blocking the moonlight from the windows in the next room, and then he passed out of sight.

I calmed my breathing; I adjusted my sweats. I cursed to myself in every language I’d ever picked up.

And then the cell phone rang again, a shrill buzz in the distant corner of the trailer.

*

I stumbled from my room but Heero already had the phone to his ear. “It’s Trowa!” he mouthed to me, his eyes bright and wary. I nudged my way up against him, all previous touches forgotten as I struggled to hear the call for myself. Heero flipped on the loudspeaker on the handset so we could both listen.

“Where are you?” he urged into the mouthpiece. “Are you safe?”

Trowa’s voice stuttered through a fair amount of static interference and uneven volume, like he was out of breath. “Are you running?” asked Heero, and I resisted rolling my eyes.

“Heero? Where are you?”

Heero’s eyes flashed to my face, far too close to his for anyone’s comfort, and he snapped,” I’m with Duo.”

“With…”crackle ”…xwell?”

“Yes.”

“Thank God!” came Trowa’s call. “Have you spoken to …lena?”

“No –“ But I don’t think he heard Heero’s answer because his voice hurried on.

“…tell her I’m on … way back now. I found the address, I found where our communica… have been …iverted to …week or so, maybe. But it was …danger… apped…”

“What?” I grabbed at the phone, trying to wrest it from Heero’s steel grip. “What’s happened?”

“… booby-trapped,” came Trowa’s familiar voice, mangled through the poor reception. “The place was booby-trapped.” I glanced at Heero – his narrowed eyes looked back at me.

“For God’s sake, Trowa,” he snapped into the cell. “My home’s been blown up and Duo’s been shot! Tell us how you are, and where you are!”

There was an exclamation from the other end of the line, though it may just have been the coughing of a chronic connection. Then a pause. Next time Trowa spoke, his words were much clearer – he’d obviously stopped in his mad flight and found a place of better reception. With the loudspeaker on, we could both hear him well. “Sorry guys. That’s better.”

Heero shook his head with some frustration. “You said booby-trapped. Are you hurt?”

“No, I’m fine,” said Trowa, dismissively. “Fairly amateur stuff – some loosened floorboards over a fall of three floors. But definitely a deliberate action, so it looks like I found the right place.” I could see Heero itching for more details, but the specifics of a trap wouldn’t have been of interest to Trowa – it would’ve just been a hurdle to overcome, not a source of professional fascination. His voice became more excited as he described the trail he’d been following. “I guess no-one had the time to follow my notes, which is a little surprising, but anyway, I knew it’d be quicker if I went myself. I tracked the address down through the ISP and it looked like someone hid out there quite recently. There was some abandoned computer equipment, it was probably used to divert all our email, as well as evidence of some fairly generic hacking programs. But there was nothing left to give us any more clues – I mean, I’d caught the communications breach fairly quickly, of course, but it also looked like it was cleared out a couple of days ago.”

“Where was it?” I called across to the cell.

“Not so far from the city – close to the conference centre, actually. I think it was a unit we’d considered ourselves for our surveillance during the early stages of Mission Dove. I remember Quatre asking me to look into the local communications network. It was near to that club where Heero was hurt, where that politician got his kicks until we outted the sick bastard.” Trowa had a refreshing lack of respect for public figures who misused their position.

“So the details would have been on file?” asked Heero. “On Quatre’s files?” I glared at him, but I was hanging on Trowa’s reply, just like he was.

“Yes,” came his answer. He sounded cautious. “Hey, are you guys on to something? Because if you are –“

“No,” I said swiftly, leaning further towards the mouthpiece so he could hear me more clearly. “Nothing specific. We’ll talk it through with you when we’re all together. What’s important now is that we’re safe.” I felt Heero shift awkwardly beside me, but he didn’t add anything.

“There was a smashed laptop there,” said Trowa. He sounded puzzled. “Like the ones we have for Department issue. Guess it’s a popular enough model.” We were quiet, and he continued. “Anyway, I rescued some email records, some of them showing that email address I picked up on earlier transmissions – “

“Duo’s working on that too,” said Heero. “So now, maybe we have a place that the attackers have been using. Do you have any ideas as to an identity?”

“I want to talk to Relena…” Trowa’s voice was fading again, losing both volume and clarity. “Hell, I heard about the bomb at the Westbridge block, but Duo shot? What’s been happening?”

“I wish I could tell you,” said Heero, tersely. “We’re sheltering here until some things get clearer. Duo’s fine now, anyway. Who told you about the bomb at my place?” I frowned at him – who the hell was he to say I was fine? - but I guess he was justified in questioning Trowa. When Quatre visited the trailer, he’d told me that Trowa left the Department shortly before the explosion, and implied they’d lost contact with him soon after that.

Heero saw my annoyed expression, and hissed back at me, “We need to know…” I just curled my lip.

Trowa was already replying. “I spoke to Quatre just after the attack. He told me Wufei was injured, and he was planning to take Heero to a safe place. I haven’t been able to reach him since - his number’s unobtainable - and then I lost touch with Relena too. I thought it was best to get back to base; there’s stuff I must discuss with her. Is Quatre still there with you two?”

I looked across at Heero. He seemed reluctant to answer that one, and I took the cell off of him. “No, Tro,” I said clearly. “Quatre’s not here. He left after dropping Heero off. We haven’t heard from him since, either. The last communication we had was with Cissy; there’s been trouble at the Department too, and both Relena and Quatre –“ I paused, briefly. “- weren’t around.”

The words were still coming through fairly clearly, but from the shaking of his voice we could tell Trowa was on the move again. “I didn’t realise… must find her, then. Look, Duo, follow my notes, OK? Have a look at… which files were hacked into, which… mails. There was a … attern…no time to…ollow up befor…had to leave …epartment.”

“Tell me more, Trowa,” I urged, but without much hope.

“Got to go… can’t say… kind of …ifficult to explain right…now, not sure…don’t want anyone…get… wrong idea…”

“What?” Heero nudged at me, trying to get the cell back off me, frowning with his concentration. “Are we losing him?” he muttered to me.

“We’ll call the Department again, Tro,” I called into the mouthpiece. Quatre had always laughingly called his office the ‘melting pot’, where all information started and finished, all plans were cooked up, and all resource ingredients combined. Someone there must know what was going on with him. “We’ll call Quatre’s office, to see where he is –“

There was no mistaking Trowa’s response to that. His voice burst from out of the cell with a kind of explosive ferocity. “No! Don’t call Quatre!”

Huh?

“Don’t call him!” came the cry again. “Watch yourselves…”

We stared at each other with astonishment. Heero was still looking into my wide eyes as I spoke back into the phone. “Trowa – it’s someone who knows us, isn’t it? Maybe these attacks aren’t in their area of expertise… but they know enough to be dangerous.”

There was nothing but crackle on the line. Then suddenly it cleared, and Trowa’s voice came back on.

“Underpass… losing connec… where’s Wufei?”

Startled, I replied. “In the hospital –“

Trowa gave a bark of a laugh, clear as day. “Then that’s where Relena will be, won’t it? Watch… rselves…” Then the contact broke completely.

That’s where Relena will be?

I clipped the cell shut; Heero swore softly.

I stood there beside him, realising that we were back in the semi-darkness and silence. It was the smallest hours of the morning; our friends and colleagues were scattered God knows where; we were plunging ever deeper into this mess and confusion.

And I still had a fucking erection from the mere thought of Heero’s body next to mine.

*

He turned back to me and his eyes glinted in the half-light as he blinked quickly. “There’s nothing we can do until we can contact Relena.”

“Right,” I said. “We’ll try again in the morning.” I stepped away from him as casually as I could, but the loss of body warmth left me feeling bereft. We seemed to be having one of those coded conversations, where the sentences appear to make sense, but no-one says exactly what they mean. I didn’t think I was going to let that rest for long.

“What did Trowa mean about Quatre?” I blurted out the words without thinking. It was a while since I’d had someone to talk things through with, and it was worrying the hell out of me. “I still can’t believe Quatre has anything to do with it. Trowa wouldn’t believe it, I know – he must be beside himself with worry about the guy.”

“No-one bothered following up on Trowa’s notes,” said Heero, quietly. “He said himself it was surprising. If he hadn’t gone out after the hideout himself, it would’ve stayed hidden for who knows how long.”

“And Quatre holds all the information,” I said, miserably. “Trowa knows that, too. He didn’t want to tell us anything before he speaks to Relena. There’s something on his mind.”

“Watch yourselves, he said.” Heero was murmuring to himself. He was looking at the cell nestled in his palm, but not really seeing it. “We’d better get some sleep now.”

Neither of us moved.

I stared back at him. “Heero. About earlier…” He pursed his lips. I remembered their taste and groaned inside. “There’s things I should have said, too.” There was control I lost, too.

“Fine,” he said. I think he smiled, which jolted me a bit.

“Right,” I sighed. Something nudged me painfully in the ribs, to continue. “So I’ve said plenty in the past, I know. I just meant that there were better things I should have said. I talk a lot – but most of it’s shit. Most of it’s hiding the real stuff. And the fight… well, it wasn’t the first time we fought, was it? I always pushed at you, way too much. Provoked many a battle, then never gave us a proper chance to see it through.”

He looked at me warily, as if I might suddenly turn vicious and bite him. As if he didn’t believe I could carry on a properly controlled personal conversation. I didn’t like to admit he was possibly right.

“Duo, it seemed as if you never believed anything I had to say. Then you’d be gone. You never told me enough to know what the hell things were really about.” He didn’t sound as accusing as he might have done. Just a bit bemused. Sad.

“Yeah.” He was right, of course. I’d known I was doing it, even at the time. We’d argue, then if he hadn’t come back immediately with what I wanted to hear – well, I went out to nurse my own conclusions. I’d thought him the withdrawn one, but then I rode roughshod over whatever he came up with, anyway.

Fucking mess it all was.

“Didn’t give it a chance,” I repeated, dully. “I just wanted you, too, Heero – at any cost. Didn’t think we needed more than that.”

We were silent for a moment. I yawned, wondering if I’d be able to get back to sleep, wondering how long it’d take for my newly awakened libido to take a cold shower again.

He was still brooding, it seemed. “We worked well enough together – we respected each other, admired each other. Enjoyed each other’s company a lot. It was always a lot more than the sex.” I looked across, startled, and he bristled a little. “As far as I was concerned, anyway. I didn’t think it needed saying.” He grimaced. “Of course, that’s part of the problem, I guess. I know I’m too introspective for your liking, I was never much of a match for you…”

“What?”

He shifted his feet. I wasn’t used to seeing Heero Yuy uncomfortable. “I’m not going to admit I bored you, Duo, but it felt like it sometimes. I just dealt with things a different way – handled the pressure differently. It was increasingly obvious that you hated that, though.”

“Stop it,” I said, quite sharply. “That’s crap. I was the boring one – I was the bleeding sore on the skin of your self-contained world. I was the one demanded all the surface attention; I was the burden.” I drew a deep breath. “I was the one got careless and saw you nearly killed.”

He shook his head, impatiently. “You’re still going on about that.”

“It’s been a long three months, you know? Given me time to think things through. Beat myself up some more.”

“Don’t,” he said, and he moved a step towards me. He looked angry. “Now that’s crap! I couldn’t stand that self-pity, that blinkered view you had of it all. The business at the club was never your fault – we were working together, it could have happened at any time, to any of us there. But despite all the words you spewed out, all the fights, all the jokes – you never talked properly to me about it; we never got anything clear. And I didn’t know how to start that conversation with you, Duo. Then you’d go out partying and there’d never be another opportunity.”

I bit my lip. “The parties were shit,” I said.

“I know they were,” he snapped back, and for a second we both started a rueful smile. “I could tell when you were enjoying things – and when you weren’t. But if you preferred to be elsewhere, I wasn’t going to beg for your time.”

“I was in the way…” I said, weakly.

“Never,” he replied, quite calmly. “But I let you think that, I know.”

My mouth closed on the words I’d been forming. I struggled to find something else.

He leant his head back and sighed. “I might not have understood how you were affected by the whole attack – but I did know you were pissed at the investigation, and the stream of people coming in and out of the apartment, and the fact that things had gone so wrong.” He breathed deeply. “I let it slide – I was pissed at you, pissed that I couldn’t understand you, that I couldn’t seem to be the right person for you. But I shouldn’t have left it like that. I knew you particularly resented Wufei being there – and I confess I let that continue.” He turned to me again and his hand lifted slightly from his side, like he wanted to appeal to me. “Both Wufei and I were thoughtless – but it was my fault.”

Shit… I sighed myself, and ran a hand round the back of my neck. “Never heard so much from you before, Heero. Hell of a dangerous time to be baring our souls.”

“Yes,” he agreed. “But that’s how it is. I think you’d agree we’re dangerous to each other all around.”

I thought vividly of his fingers on my skin and his thighs pressing against mine. “There’s more than one kind of danger,” I whispered.

*

I’d taken the cell phone from him and now I watched him lay himself out on the couch. “OK? Need another blanket?”

“No, this is fine,” he replied. “I’m fine.” That coded conversation again…

His shoulders sank back into the lumpy cushions, trying to get comfy. “You need your sleep, Duo. I’m sorry I kept you awake before. This has all been a – an unsettling time.”

Too fucking right. I was ashamed of myself, really. Heero had shown a side of himself I’d never seen – he’d shared thoughts I never knew tumbled around inside that computer-like brain of his. Yet I was still nursing a resentment and pain that was doing me no earthly good at all.

“I was a prick, Heero.”

He sighed. He’d turned slightly away from me so that I could only see his profile, silhouetted in the room’s dim light. “So was I. It was a damned difficult time…”

“No,” I said, firmly. “I was a prick before the attack – before I met you, really. I’ve never really bothered about looking into myself, about growing up. I just liked a good time, a joke, a thrill … When I met you, I thought it’d all slot into place without any help. Couldn’t understand why you didn’t react the same way as I did.”

He laughed softly. “You’re a rollercoaster, Maxwell. A thrill of a ride – and I don’t mean that just in a sexual sense. But you require strong nerves – and I don’t always respond as quickly as you do; or as you’d like.”

I still thought he was being too damned kind. “That’s what I mean. Yeah, I handled it fucking badly, but I was right in thinking you and Wufei were just so much better suited. Much more your type – a much better companion for you. Not so much trouble – easier to get on with –“

“Duo,” he murmured. Was he falling asleep? “I didn’t choose easy when I fell for you. But it’s what I chose, regardless.”

I was a couple of feet away, my body half turned to go back to my room, frozen to the spot. I stared at him and he rolled back over slowly until he faced me in return. It was like that first time, you know? When I’d first met him – when my body had shaken with reaction – when my gut had churned with the feelings he ignited in me.

“Heero…” I said. I was hesitant, a little scared – but I knew what I wanted to say. “Come to bed with me. Now. Please.”

He stared some more.

And then he pulled the blanket over him and sank back down into the couch. “No,” he said, gently. “You were right to stop me earlier. It’s not fair to use each other when we don’t know what we want. Neither of us would benefit from it… well, apart from the obvious…” He made a sound of frustration – struggling for those words again.

Personally, I thought his mastery of language so far had been stupendous.

“OK,” I heard myself saying. “Uh… sleep well.” And I made it back to my room without either stumbling or weeping.

Fuck it, I felt like both.