Disclaimer: I don’t own ‘em, wish I did, just enjoy
writing about ‘em for free etc
Pairings: 2+1
Category: Songfic, Heero POV, romance, angst
Warnings: Yaoi, slight lime
Spoilers: None
Notes: Everyone
stands alone in the end – but they can choose whom they spend the journey with.
Feedback: If
you liked it, PLEASE let me know!
Written for
chiya’s ficlet contest August 2004.
Inspiration from
the Pretenders (of course); and from Steph.
*
“Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes…”
The dampness in
my eyes is from the cold night air; from the chill around me. Nothing else.
I’m huddled on the roof, just that little bit too far from the skylight,
and even closer to the guttering, and the sheer drop to the stone paving
beneath. My feet are bare – they slip a
little on the chilled slates, as I draw my knees up under my chin. My vest is ridiculously insubstantial – I
haven’t even pulled pants on over the spandex.
Like I’m
bothered about what I’m wearing!
Like I’m
bothered about anything. Except my
mission for tonight.
It’s the cold
night air, I told you – not tears! I
haven’t cried for years. I could protest
that it’s due to my training – a rigid, inhumane regime, that refused me the
ordinary outlets of other mortals. To
cry was a sign of weakness; a sign of failure – above all, an indefensible
waste of time, that should be spent on more military concerns.
But it’s not just
the training. I have cried, at certain times in my short life – softly,
gently. Often in the dead of night;
standing over a man, sleeping soundly in his bed, and completely oblivious to
me and my nightmares. And in the
daytime, standing on the battle field.
Crouching amongst rubble and devastation, and seeing the torn remains of
a much-loved teddy bear…
But that’s why
I’m here tonight, isn’t it?
For all the
things I’ve done. For all the things I
can’t forget – that I can’t live with any more.
I’m so
dog-tired, that I’m not even going to try any more.
*
“Come on, and come to me now
Don’t be ashamed to cry…”
“Heero?”
Shit, I think. I know the voice, of
course I do! I thought he had better
things to do than crawl about on a cold, slippery roof in the small hours of
the morning. I’m too tired to swear at
him – to swear about him. My heart is numb enough, but it drops a
further few inches in my chest, suffocated with another layer of crushing
misery.
I thought he was
away.
Because that’s
the way I planned it!
They were all to
be away – they were all to be too far away to have any misguided feelings as to
‘saving’ me. We all have our own lives
to lead now – there’s no real reason even for us to share a house – to share anything,
really, except pain, and shame, and the embarrassment of once-intimate
relationships, forged only through circumstance and desperation.
No other reason.
And the others
had gone, easily enough. They were happy
enough to spend time away from the house that’s become a kind of prison to us,
left as we are, in our limbo world. No
path forward for any of us yet – no definite plans. But no longer needed as soldiers, now that
peace is threatened.
Funny that I
should use that word about it, eh? As if
it were as loathsome as the war itself had been.
Their lives are
much easier to anticipate; they have families; they have a past; they have a
skill – and an appetite for the years ahead.
And that’s where
the difference lies; so obvious, that I’m ashamed it’s taken me this long to
work it out.
Some would say
that such a pragmatic approach to my own end is unnatural – that I am
unbalanced. I sit on this roof, and only
the warm breath of another person’s intrusion holds me back from sliding gently
down off the side. I will not make any
attempt to stop myself – and yet I have chosen this method, because I’m afraid
that I will try; that my humanity
will betray me, and attempt to cling to a life that’s become worthless and
indifferent.
I try not to get
angry. Of all people, I thought Duo
Maxwell would have understood! Should have understood.
I don’t want to
feel any of the emotions that have so destroyed my peace and certitude.
“Room for one
only up here, Maxwell. Leave me be.”
He’s going – I
hear the joint of his knee crack as he twists his legs somehow.
Then he sits
down beside me, rather awkwardly.
No - he’s not
going.
*
“Let me see you through
‘Cause I’ve seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don’t know what to do…”
If he says
anything about crying –
“Life sucks,
doesn’t it, Heero?” His voice is very
low, and gentle, and there’s a strange hitch to it.
I don’t want to
listen, though.
“You think I
don’t understand. That I don’t know what
you’re going through. Dammit, you
probably think no-one does!”
Christ… I think. “I’m not looking for
pity, Maxwell. For understanding. I just want to be left alone.”
A small moment
of silence. He’s not moving. Damned stubborn young man, he is.
“So what’ll you
do with that alone-ness, Heero? You
think I haven’t tried it? It ain’t all
it’s cracked up to be!”
“I don’t want to
talk to you,” I sigh. It’s so very,
damned important that he goes away -
“Life sucks,” he
repeats. “And people die – and when
we’re not creating the shit, we’re expected to be cleaning it up. Right?
But what else is there for us to do?
We’re nowhere at the moment – we’re nobodies. They wanna forget us, and all we stood
for. We’re an embarrassment – we’re a
reminder of the mistakes.”
“I don’t want to
be that any more, Duo.”
I don’t mean to
speak – it’s just as important that I don’t let myself be distracted. It’s the best for everyone. But he flinches – I assume it’s because I
called him Duo. There hasn’t been much
of that, for a while; no smiles, no touches, none of the endearments. Just barked words – anguished abuse, tossed
at his surname only.
There’s been
nothing at all between us – for a long while.
When he speaks
again, his voice is careful – but it’s bitter, as well. “You think it’s only you, Heero? You’re the only one who struggles? What sorta life have any of us had?” He laughs, but the echoing call snaps like a
fragile icicle against the cold harshness of the air.
“And whatever we
did have – now it’s been ripped away.”
I really don’t mean to speak…
“I killed so
many, Duo. Hidden victims, hidden
martyrs in their suits, and aircraft, and trains, and cities – hidden, just
like I was in Wing. But they still died. She
died, Duo.”
His breath
catches a little. It’s not like we
haven’t talked about this before. It’s
not like he ever found a way to break my certainty on this. “Sure.
Can’t deny it, Heero.”
I can’t help
myself – I twist, and I stare at him, wildly.
He’s stopped trying, it seems!
“And what life did she have,
Duo? A little girl – a true martyr of
war! And I killed ‘em, Duo – all of
‘em!”
Go away, Duo…! I scream inside.
“What sort of
history will that be, Duo, for me to
look back on?”
*
“Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less…”
“You know it
doesn’t affect how I feel about you, Heero.
It never has, because I thought I knew – well…
I love you,
Heero.”
The words come
out on a breath of steam – the hours are getting more chill, and soon my bare
feet will be too numb to keep hold of their footing anyway.
I bite my lip.
“It’s just
words, Duo. Just something we said – and
did – during the war. Something to make
it all bearable – something to give us some relief, and some pleasure. Albeit just in passing.”
“Just in
passing,” he murmurs. He still sounds
careful – he doesn’t sound angry with me, though I’m sure I must be hurting
him.
But then I’m
used to that, nowadays. I have nothing
else to offer him.
“We’re too
young, Duo. I’m too young. Too young to
bear it all, any more. When I look
forward, there’s nothing there. I will
not grow in that atmosphere of pity and uselessness!”
He snorts,
then. That sounds like the old Duo. “Don’t be so melodramatic, man! Like you’re gonna be throwin’ yourself off
this roof, in some fit of teenage angst –“
The silence is
quite shocking. His whole body tenses
beside me.
“Shit,” he breathes.
“Yes,” I say,
tightly.
Go away, Duo…
*
“I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you…”
I‘m not happy
about it, but I can feel him turn his body carefully, trying to see my
expression in the half-light.
I don’t want to
be here at dawn. That was never in my
plan. I want him to go away, and let me
complete my mission.
“Heero – you’ll
do the decent thing of listening to me for a while, will ya? I think I deserve that, at least. For those
times I saved your sorry butt – for those times I made you laugh when you damn
well didn’t want to. For those times I
reached out, and –“ His voice falters
now. “Touched ya.”
Despite the
cold, I feel the hot flush inside. The one
thing I could never control – or ignore.
“We’re just
kids, y’see – I know that! We should be
havin’ a ball, skipping school, playing sports, reading dirty magazines. We should be in a rock band, Goddamit, or
something just as ridiculous! Trying new
haircuts – losing homework on the bus.
Outrageous fashion – body piercing.
Arguin’ with parents…”
He sighs. “But we never will be, I know that too.”
Your point is -?
I want to say. But I mustn’t be drawn
into debate – he does it to me too easily.
“But what we’ve
got instead,” he says, softly. “Is the
‘trade off’…that’s the friendship, and the sympathy, and the team spirit and
camaraderie. Guys like us – been through
the same things; seen the same things; felt the same disgust, and fear, and
shock. It’s a bond in itself – something
that others don’t have – that’s
unique to us. We’ve got each other, and
–“
He pauses, but I
know he’s not finished.
“The love.”
I want to
despise the sap, because that’s all it is, isn’t it? Love is for the normal people – love is for
the stable people. Love is for peace –
love is for grown-ups; for worthy people.
Love is a convenient word for ‘fuck me’ – love is another, misused word
for ‘victim’.
“I’m with you,
Heero. Always.”
He doesn’t say
it, but he doesn’t need to. His whole
presence yells it at me. Whether you want me to be, or not!
He’s always been
like that.
Always been
there.
*
“So if you’re mad, get mad
Don’t hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?”
“I won’t talk
about it, Duo,” I say. My lips are
swelling slightly with the cold, now. My
thighs are sliding a little on the slate.
“My mind’s made up.”
“So let it out!”
he snaps, suddenly. “That’s what you’ve
been doing to me for weeks now, isn’t it?
Yellin’ at me? Like it’s all my
fault? So, go on and do it properly!”
“I don’t want to
be angry,” I say, softly. I’m beyond
angry. Can’t he see that?
I think he wants
to hit me – I can recognise the coiled fury inside him; the frustration. He’s not learnt to repress it yet. It’s rarely been turned on me, but enough
times for me to know that he’s at his most angry, now.
He’s like that
when I won’t talk to him.
When I can’t talk to him.
He won’t
understand. He won’t leave me alone.
Dammit, it’s all
rather academic now, isn’t it?
*
“I get angry too
Well, I’m a lot like you
When you’re standing at the crossroads
And don’t know which path to choose…”
“You selfish
bastard!” I’m surprised at the force of
his words. “You think I haven’t
suffered, as well. From the memories,
from the pain of what I’ve done?”
I drag some
words out. My eyes are drawn
irresistibly to the edge of the roof.
I’m very, very tired. “You were a soldier, Duo – nothing more,
nothing less. There was reason for your
orders –“
The reply is
spat out, with a venom that I didn’t know he could sustain so well. “I wasn’t there with ‘em, Heero – I wasn’t
there for them! That day the church got burned down – where
the fuck was I? I shoulda been there!”
“…stupid…” I
mumble. “You couldn’t have done
anything. You’d have been killed
too. And then you’d never have known
–“ Too late, I clamp my mouth shut.
“Yeah, right,”
he says. “I’d never have known anything
since, would I? All the stuff I’ve done
– all the stuff I’ve seen. Stuff that’s
turned my gut inside out – and stuff I’ve been proud of. People I’ve met, places I’ve been. My life,
Heero – it’s all been my life. For what
it’s worth – and for what it’s gonna be worth.”
His voice creeps
over me, seeking a way in, through any last place that’s still warm enough to
feel it. “I’d never have spent this time
with you, Heero. Never lain in bed with you. Never stroked you – never touched you with my
lips. Never whispered, never laughed
softly –“
“No –“ I gasp.
“Never heard you
cry out in the dark, and press the marks of your fingertips into my skin,” he
hisses, relentlessly.
The silence is
painful, now. I’m afraid – I’m afraid,
because the feeling has come back to me.
Why didn’t he
stay away?
“I have the same
conflict inside me, Heero,” he
growls. He’s angry – and he sounds
distressed, too. “The same
confusion. The same pain.”
*
“Let me come along
‘Cause even if you’re wrong
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you…”
“Let me touch
you, Heero.”
No, I
think. I don’t want that. Don’t need
that. Christ, if he only knew what his
touch felt like to me –
But he does, of
course.
Why should I
want to forget that? It’s been as much a
revelation to me, as it has been to him.
But I can’t be
sure that my mind will stay as focussed.
“Let me help,
Heero. Christ, I got no answers – but I
got you. And I don’t want to lose
you. You’re
my answer, Yuy. That’s why I keep
going, y’know.”
“No!” I’m angry now – dammit, the emotions are
returning a hundredfold. “Don’t put that
on me -!”
“I’ll put
nothing on you, Heero – nothing that you can’t cope with! You think I don’t know your capacity by now –
your strength? Your breaking point?”
I’m
speechless. I’m cold, and I’m amazed at
Duo’s anger, and astonished at the words he’s using.
I feel as if I’m
already in another world; the cold is obviously disorientating me.
I had hoped it
would be an anaesthetic to me – to enable me to carry out my plan.
But for the
first time, I’m scared.
Of a different
kind of failure.
*
“Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you…”
His hand is
light on my face, but as it traces the lines of my cheek I shudder. I barely notice it settle down on to my
shoulder.
“Leave me be,
Duo.”
“Never,” he
whispers. “There’ll be something for
you, Heero. I promise. I’ll find it.
We’ll find it. Christ –“ he groans, softly, and I wonder why
his humour has deserted him so soundly tonight.
“Like I’m any kinda careers officer –“
“I’m no use to
you.” My voice is brittle in the still
air. “Find another.”
I think I’m
crying now. I don’t have the spirit to be humiliated; I
have no control over my body anyway.
“Never…”
“It’s not as
easy as for you, Duo – you care for people – you see a future –“
“You talk shit,
Yuy!” he snaps. “And I act well. OK?
Let’s leave it at that!”
I think he’s crying now.
I don’t want his
lips on my cheek. I can’t feel them any
more.
Yes, I can.
But I don’t want
to.
It all hurts too
much. To make his life as painful as my
own – to cause him more confusion. To
hold him back from an optimism that I know he
can find.
“I’m a
burden. I’m not asking for pity – just
release.”
“Never…”
Is that all he
can say to me?
“You mustn’t
give up, Heero.”
There’s another
arm, around me now.
“Come with me,
Heero.”
*
“And when…
When the night falls on you, baby
You’re feeling all alone
You won’t be on your own…”
I was so sure
that I didn’t want to be here at the dawn.
But it’s growing lighter already.
“You’re not
going to leave me be, are you, Duo?
You’re not going to go away.”
“Never…” he
repeats. “I’m with you. Always.”
I wonder if I’ve
become part of this roof now, some strange new sculpted buttress. I can’t move.
I have no control, at all.
I don’t know how
I feel about it, though. Glad that I can
still feel it?
I’m still
saturated by the weariness; the cold that’s inside me.
“Come inside,
Heero.”
There’s a hand
under my arm.
I just don’t
have the energy anymore, to shake it off.
But it’s Duo,
isn’t it? Why would I shake him off?
He’s strong
enough for us both, this time, isn’t he?
He’s always
there, of course.
Always.
With me.
*
“I’ll stand by you.”
End